Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Oh Poor Me

I can remember my Aunt’s words, running through my memory, as if she is sitting in front of me now and saying, “Get off the O. P. M.”  Good advice, in my opinion, but these days, I am not as much feeling sorry for myself, as I am lost in what to do.  I have told you before, yet I cannot stop myself from saying again, Alyssa is the most amazing, fun, loving young girl – she’s the best daughter EVER!!  These last few weeks, I have seen a different level of frustration in her though.  She doesn’t always portray emotions in a way that is controlled by her knowingness of right and wrong.  Her outbursts sound like cries for help to me.  She is desperate to express what she wants and needs, but there is a complexity to this, which doesn’t allow the freedom of her mind to develop language, when, and as, it’s needed.  I feel as if she is clinging to me for help and I am betraying her without a chance of making a difference for what is happening inside of her, which I can only love, but not fix.

This past weekend was especially emotionally difficult because I found myself with no answers, no solutions, completely vulnerable and beyond humbled.  For those who know me, you know, I spend my days and nights thinking of plausible solutions for this angel of ours.  She is my world and I want, more than anything, to be able to sit down and talk through how she is feeling and help her. 

Her language is like a pair of shackles, binding her to the floor, with no escape.  Where is the key?  How do I release her?  On Sunday, just about the point, I was starting to feel there was no light at the end of this tunnel; Alyssa said to me, “I’m upset.”  This seemed almost like a breakthrough, without details and explanation.  At the time, I was feeling pretty upset too.  I didn’t know how to help her, so I hid behind the bathroom door and cried.  I felt completely helpless.  Of all the therapy, medicine, and everything else we have tried, this is harder than it all.  I can only hug her and hold her, offering comfort in place of what might be an answer or solution. 

So, what’s next?  I don’t know.  Yet, I know “me” well enough, I can assure you (and Alyssa for that matter), I will keep praying and stay off the O.P.M., as best I can.  I don’t want to be that person, sitting around with all the complaints and no inhibition towards taking on the challenge or seeking a solution.  If I can only lift her spirit with the joys that come from tickles and the calmness that come from love, than I will allow myself to think, I am right where I need to be, for now.  I will do my best to embrace this as part of the lesson I am learning. 

For those of you who share this blog and continue to offer your love, support, friendship, prayers and everything else….  You are amazing to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  That’s all I have for today. 

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  Angie

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