Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hard Balance

I love the show “Extreme Makeover; Home Edition”.  Great show!  I love how a community comes together to make a difference.  I also love the show “What would you do?”  For me, I love seeing people do what’s right.  “The Biggest Loser” is inspiring, when you can see those people changing their lives significantly, for the better.  Soon, there will be a new show out called “Secret Millionaire”.  Looks like another winner!  The common thread, I love to watch good happen. 

Someone dear to me has always said, “a person can’t know what it’s like to feel good, unless they have experienced what bad feels like”.  I believe this is true.  I believe you will never truly know what good is, how it feels and appreciate it, without having a deep and intimate understanding of bad or hard.  I also believe, we cannot see, until our blindness is unmasked by all the things we allow to get in the way of our vision. 

Honestly, I am tired of hard.  I don’t understand it.  I am hopeful and wish for lighter days.  It’s not so much, I am whining over spilled milk; I am run down from 7 years of challenge.  See, this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, from the day I had Alyssa and her lung collapsed, to this current day, where she has frustrations linked to her difficulty with expressing her wants and needs.  And, there is so much in between the “then and now”.  How did 7 years come and go so quickly, when some days felt so long?

Then, I realize, I need to find the good in all situations, it’s my saving grace.  I hold each and every accomplishment, my Alyssa makes, close to my heart.  It’s what keeps my heart beating.  There really is no sense in allowing myself to get down over stuff that isn’t really “that important” anyhow.  Reality check, I see the news.  I can make a list of things to appreciate after watching just 10 minutes of CNN (or 1 minute of Albuquerque news - haha).  

I am exactly the person who has received life’s lessons in balance; the balance of good and bad; sight and blindness; sadness and happiness; rich and poor, etc.  I have been blessed, plain and simple, with BOTH understandings.  I would prefer to have all the better halves of those life lessons, but for some reason, it doesn’t work that way. 

I do have to say, Alyssa spoils me with love and affection; it makes me feel rich in other ways.  I am thankful for what I have and feel I am fortunate to not have it harder.  At the end of the day, all my stress, anxiety, tiredness, sadness and hardship will turn into something good, if I let it.   

Thank you for reading.  Have a great day!  Angie


  1. As a respite worker I hear your "hard" I too am thankful how I am inspired by my days working with Ella and Amanda. My love for them is as deep as it is with my own two girls. Im thankful on one end and then Im blessed to have the other end. Cant imagine the "why" and often ask the "what ifs" but want to reach out to everyone to say we are all gods blessings in one way. You get gifts everyday and there are others who cant understand, I say.... they will...

    I also want to say "THANK YOU" you are an awesome mom, a mom with many talents, strengths and abilities beyond many. Your heart is golden and Alyssa knows it!

  2. Wonderwoman, Thank you very much for your note and kind words!! Cheers to you for being involved in respite. I have an endearing respect for all people who give their love to these wonderful children who have special needs. :) Angie

  3. Angie, my Grandmother always said, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." You know what comes to my mind when reading this? It's that most kids don't remember that much until they're like our kids age now. So, if you weren't as strong earlier in Alyssa's life, she's not going to remember all of that. She's going to really take off now with your new found energy from expressing yourself, hearing yourself, evolving and understanding. She's giving you so much more everyday and things will certainly be challenging, but also easier with the attitude your developing. This all comes at the best possible time. It is very exciting and you should be so proud of yourself!